In 2022, I learnt a couple of lessons; but this one tops the list.

Of Friendships, Forgiveness and Love.

TL;DR- Here’s the overarching lesson that 2022 brought my way- ‘If you want to have purposeful friendships in life, understand that you need to decide and choose wholeheartedly who you call- a friend.

Two weeks into the new year and here I am sharing what 2022 taught me. Perhaps I needed some more time to process and reflect, so here I am.

I guess ‘Happy New Year!’ is still in order. Figured out what your new year resolution is? Do you even have anyone? Do you need one?

I know, I know, too many questions. But hear me out, while I don’t want you to think I came on here to ask you a bunch of questions, I have come to accept that with questions comes the opportunity to step out from what you already know and be open to learning more. With questions comes the willingness to accept and be humble to hear or learn from the stories and experiences of others.

So, one of the defining questions I had to ask myself last year was: ‘What is the (my) definition of friendship?

You see 2022 came with different opportunities in my career, growth in my romantic relationship, and more financial stability. But what it also came with was the unstaggering need to decide and choose more intentionally who my ‘friends’ are.

While different people define their friends in various ways- ‘close friends’ ‘Power Circle’, ‘Tribe’, and ‘My people’,

I think for me,

I would describe my friends as:

‘the people I can do life with in my most vulnerable, blooming, messy, and daring self. The set of people that adds a spring to my feet when I walk, a smile in my heart knowing they’ve got my back (and I theirs) a hand to lift and rebuke with love cause they have my best interest at heart. P.s: keep this definition in mind when you read through

2022 revealed to me the importance of intentional friendships shared by a similar bond and the desire of both parties to do life together. It also revealed to me that you can be friends with someone and they on the other hand don’t take you the same way. And with other types of relationships, you can experience deep hurt in ‘friendships’

It was in the moment of a friendship hurt, that I coined for myself a friendship framework that has served as my guide in navigating and building purposeful friendships. Carved under three fundamental guiding questions, this framework was inspired by listening to Debola-Deji Kurunmi talk about how to deal with hurts. This framework is the foundation of 2022 most profound life lesson.

The Friendship Framework:

This framework entails having a heart-to-heart conversation based on just 3 questions and could serve as a guide on how you intend to make the best out of your friendships. Ideally, these conversations should leave both parties with the assurance that indeed you can be friends with each other. This conversation will also be like some sort of ‘vibe-check’ as to whether or not you want to be friends with the other person and vice-versa. And during this time, both parties should be honest with themselves and the other party. This conversation can be had with either:

a. New-found persons you’d like to do life with or vice-versa.

b. Old friendships that you’d like to set a new cause and course with.

The Guiding Questions:

1. What is your definition of friendship- this enables both parties to understand how they both view friendship and what lens they look through to underscore their friendships.

2. How do you like to show up for your friends and how do you like your friends to show up for you?

3. In what areas do you think I can serve you in this friendship?

These questions may sound ordinary but if done truthfully and with purpose, you will better navigate friendships and also be your better version as you grow in friendships. With this framework, I have made tight bonds with some of my friends in less than a year and also let go of friendships whose purpose has been served.

P.S: While this framework might also paint a perfect picture of building friendships, understand that with humans also come complexities and there are times your ‘intentional friendships’ will bring pain and hurts, and while it does, it will provide you with opportunities to learn if you let it. It will also help you navigate the hurts and hopefully, you get stronger in that said friendship.

As I go about my life in 2023, here are also some guiding lessons in friendships I’m taking as my compass

1. A friend of your friend isn’t your friend (yet) until you’re sure he or she is someone you can call a friend in every sense of your definition of who your friend is.

2. When you get hurt in friendships or an altercation ensues, check what role you played and be humble enough to accept it.

3. Apologize for your shortcomings and truly mean it when you say sorry- your ego might truly be your enemy in owning up to your shortcomings.

4. Don’t be quick to raise your voice in an argument, sometimes your emotions might trick you and your judgment might be clouded.

5. Don’t be quick to judge when things don’t go out the way you imagined them.

6. Your feelings may be valid, but don’t put a blind eye to invalidating the feelings of others.

7. Don’t allow your hurt to linger for long, talk about them.

8. Sometimes, it’s not about you, your friends might be at different levels of cultivation (or knowledge), and experience and they have their personal traumas they are dealing with.

9. As a believer who daily receives the Love of God, continuously pray that your heart is enlarged daily to offer kindness and Grace when it looks like the person receiving it doesn’t earn it.

I leave you with a statement that Trevor Noah made in his caption on friendship:

‘You can’t always choose how crazy the river of life might get, but what you can always choose is the people in your life who you’ll ride those rapids with. And if you choose wisely, even a capsized boat can turn into the greatest adventure’.